Shin's Unpublished Posts - How To Make Friends

Here is another one. Looks like she started it but then stopped. I still think its intersting to see her train of thought and her self reflection.

Tony



Shin's post 6 Dec 2008...

A blog reader asked me an odd but interesting question. He/she wanted to know how I make and keep friends. I'd never thought about that before.

When we were kids, we moved around and changed schools a lot. From second grade (age eight) to high school graduation (age seventeen), I went to seven different schools. My mother told me that each time we moved, I was the least bothered among my siblings about leaving my friends behind and also the first to make new friends when we got to the new place. I liked hearing that about myself. It tells me I can adapt easily to new situations. I suppose it also suggests I don't form meaningful, long-term relationships, but from all the old letters I've dug up from my past, that doesn't seem to be the case either.

The blogsphere's comments on Shin

The blogsphere is wide and diverse. I've received a lot of links to blogs that talked about Shin after her passing. I spent a fair bit of time pondering what it takes to affect so many people of different ages and backgrounds that you have never met. I found it interesting to go through some of the links and I thought I should start to compile some of the ones I've seen into a post.

When the Stars Go Blue
http://whenthestarsgo-blue.blogspot.com/2009/02/another-unit-through-and-done-with.html

Bored Gorgeous
http://boredgorgeous.blogspot.com/2009/02/rest-in-peace-shin.html

Little Gems Unravelled
http://littlegemsinc.blogspot.com/2009/01/goodbye-shin-na.html

Mamayati
http://mamayati.blogspot.com/2009/02/human-with-errs.html

Pheonix’s Wall
http://phoenixlmf.blogspot.com/2009/02/shin-na.html

Simple Complications
http://simplicateme.wordpress.com/2009/01/

Floriticasecret
http://floriticasecret.livejournal.com/3418.html

Back off Cancer
http://backoffcancer.blogspot.com/2009/02/brilliant-life.html

Weifs' whimsical writings
http://weifs.blogspot.com/2009/02/choked-with-emotions.html

Glimpses of my Life
http://musings-of-xian.blogspot.com/2009/02/shin-passed-away.html

Huggies Discussion board in India
https://www.huggies.co.in/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=1218

Amaryliss
http://amary-llis.blogspot.com/

Mademoiselle
http://liiiting.blogspot.com/2009/02/shins-cancer-blog-i-chanced-upon-this.html

One-2-Zero
http://one-two-zero.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-new-found-respect-shin.html

Taking up the Challenge
http://victorkoo.blogspot.com/2009/02/celebration-of-life-for-shin-na.html

Memories.Moments.Beliefs
http://xi-yuan.blogspot.com/2009/02/blog-to-share.html

Beneath Skin Deep
http://laylachow.wordpress.com/2009/02/01/she-shined-in-her-moment/

Kialee-ilu
http://kailee-ilu.blogspot.com/2009/01/shin-na-cancer-blogger-had-pass-away-in.html

Revived!Refreshed!
http://spiritual-serenity.blogspot.com/2009/01/this-is-post-at-some-sort-of-weird.html

Traces that you Carry
http://disasterriffic.wordpress.com/2009/01/28/endless-story-endless-love/

Glady’s
http://desultory-utterance.blogspot.com/2009/01/345-click-on-this-link-and-unravel-its.html

Lemony Snicket

Shin's favorite character in literature was Odysseus from Homer's "The Iliad", because he was brave, smart and resourceful. Maybe not on quite the same level, I had a strong childhood memory of Violet, Klaus, and Sunny from "A Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket (I even loved the author's pseudonym).

The back cover of the book and the first lines of the story start, "If you are the sort of person that likes happy endings then you should put this book down and buy some other book. Not only does this book not have a happy ending, it doesn't have a very happy beginning, and for that matter very few happy middles." Which of course made me want to ready the book immediately to find out what happens.

The story starts with Violet, Klaus and Sunny becoming orphans when their parents perish when their home burns down. The rest of the story is about them survinging bad guardians and the evil Count Olaf who is after the family fortune. The story appeals to me becuase the kids are so smart, brave and resourceful that they get themselves out of such bad perdicaments. And I like it becuase I always liked suspence better then action and the series is just a long exercise in suspense. I once read someone describe the difference between action and suspence. He said action is "there is a bomb under the table and it blows up", suspense is "there is a bomb under the table...".

So I intoduced these books to Josie, not quite sure how she would take to them. I liked the being able to introduce a story that might make her feel less alone with her loss (here I mean alone as in unusual), and like the theme of persevering through adversity. She loves them and we are now on book 4, "The Miserable Mill". I bought the actual book for the first book but we listened to the audiobooks for the others.

It's been a useful reference in talking to Josie about loss. When I spoke to Josie in Shin's final weeks I read her a list of some things children are confused about. I told the list said that some children wonder if they are considered orphans if they lose a parent. Josie said she knew she was not an orphan, "like Violet, Klaus and Sunny, they lost both their parents" Josie said. Also, in the story at one part it says that "unless you have lost someone very close to you, you can't imagine the sense of loss the children felt". Josie said "I have, I can".

This weekend was Josie's 6th birthday. We went ice skating with friends on her birthday and then over the weekend we went to the Forrest Adventure at Bedok Reservoir. The Forrest Adventure is a rope walkway through the trees. I'd heard about it but we had never gone before. I had assumed that parents would go with the kids, but the kids course is kids only. So Josie said she wanted to do it and as she started, I realized how difficult and scary this was going to be for her (something like 5 to 10 meters high) and thought I've probably made a mistake. But step by step she worked her way through the course. At one point, she wasn't really tall enough to reach the support rope, she felt stuck and scared and was whimpering and called to her grandmother for help. Nana said there isn't anything she can do from down on the ground. So Josie just worked it out on her own and got through the hard part.

I was filled with a strong emotion of pride in her. Smart, brave and resourceful. Shin would have loved to have seen this. Her little Odysseus, my little Violet.

Its Never Too Early To Prepare

Shin asked me many times in the months leading up to her passing to make sure people with a terminal illness know how important it is to be prepared.

Over two years ago one of Shin's friends sent me through a link to a website that talks about preparing children for losing a parent. http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100100015&pagetitle=The+Mummy+Diaries.

Maybe six months prior to that, after a chemo visit one day, I asked Shin if we could go and buy the memory boxes we'd long been talking about preparing for Toby and Josie. She was reluctant. She said it was too early and that she had no plans of dying any time soon. She said she thought it would be like admitting that she was going to die when she had no intention of letting the disease win any battle.

I persisted, as I do, and Shin finally relented (which she rarely did) and we went out and bought the most beautiful memory boxes in the world. That started us on a roll of adding to them. Shin was already writing in journals, but that accelerated. We bought presents for future birthdays and found things that Shin had when she was younger that the kids would cherish. The boxes started filling up.

By the time we reached January 2009 and Shin had decided to stop her chemo, she started talking regularly about how unprepared she felt. She would often say "hell of a deadline Shelly, do you think they'll give me an extension? I have so much to do!"

It was then she realised that us buying those memory boxes all those months, even years ago, made a whole pile of sense. She was relieved that she had so much to leave for the kids, for Tony and me.

She wanted us all to know she realised that getting prepared is not about "giving up". Its not about admitting defeat. Its about making sure that while you are able, you do the very very best you can to make sure you give everything you can. To your kids, your family and your friends.

Even Shin writing her letter to us, her "final words" a year ago brought relief to her in the end because she was so happy we would be able to hear from her and that what she said was articulate and to the point.

Five days after I arrived back from Singapore and the memorial service there were two letters in the post addressed to my kids. She had written them on the 14th Jan 2009, just 13 days before she passed.

I feel we are all very lucky that Shin was prepared. We all have so much more of her to remember. Her essence of life and love for it is so much more present because of everything she has left behind.

Thank you Shin.

Michelle

Hospice vs Home-care

When Shin died, Michelle organized for a doctor that Assisi Hospice recommended to come and certify her death. Michelle said he seemed very confused about what was going on. He was mumbling that it very strange for someone to die at home and very strange for someone donate their body to research. In fact, in the days before Shin passed away, Michelle was checking on the various procedures and the police had told her that in the case of a home death that they would have to send to body to forensics for an autopsy - which turned out to be incorrect. We were surprised at how this seemed so unusual here in Singapore.

We were not sure how it would go in the end and Michelle and my mother had already visited several hospices to see which would be the nicest for Shin. Michelle already wrote about how she was really impressed with Assisi. Shin first thoughts were that she didn't want the kids to see her struggling in pain and dying. She expected that going to the hospice would be the right thing.

As it turned out I think we are all thankful that we were able to care for her at home. I don't think many people would be in position to do so, but as it turned out we were. Shin needed 24 hour around the clock care in her last couple of weeks. It just so happened that my employer was thoughtful enough to give me some time, Michelle had not started her program to get her degree for teaching maths yet and Alicia was able to take a couple of weeks off her job. Together, I felt Shin got the most loving care she could have possibly gotten.

Its wasn't easy. It was flat out tiring and we were all sleep deprived. Shin had good moments where she felt good and cheerful. But a lot of the time she was uncomfortable and frustrated that she couldn't communicate well. Due to her weak breathing, she would usually write what she needed to say. I think anyone who is contemplating home care, should anticipate a patient who is increasingly uncomfortable, frustrated and demanding a lot of the time. There were nights when Shin was finally sleeping soundly that Michelle, Alicia and I all had that feeling of relief that we experienced as parents when our newborns were finally asleep.

Being able to be close to family was also important. I have already written about the night when Shin was sleeping peacefully that the children were able to say goodbye to her. Also, Shin's parents, brother and sister came from Korea and the US to see Shin while she was still alert. When she had periods of strength we were all right there to take advantage of those times and in them I think she had some nice moments with her family. I'm not sure you we would be able to have such nice moments if she was in a hospice.

The Assisi doctors and nurses made frequent visits as we needed them. Every few days at first, and up to every day in the last week. We were able to get all the prescriptions for the drugs we needed. I would make frequent trips to the hospital pharmacy to get bottle after bottle of morphine (which is surprisingly inexpensive) and fentynal patches (which are expensive). The hospital pharmacists would stare at me wide-eyed as I would ask for all this morphine. One day Dennis, Alicia's husband went to pick up some more morphine for me. He was up all night working on the memorial slideshow, hadn't shaved and looked rather like a drug addict. He said the pharmacy gave him the third degree, but eventually gave him the drugs.

I don't know what we would have done if Shin had lasted longer. I've heard of some cases where a patient can linger for weeks. At some point Alicia and I would have had to go back to work, Michelle might have had to get back to Australia. We never really ruled out having to go to the hospice, but I think we all felt more comfortable with the way it worked out. I imagine that not many families would have the luxury of time to provide around the clock care for loved one and the hospice is a nice and critical option. But I wouldn't rule out home care even if it is rarely done here in Singapore. I don't think it is that rare in countries like the US and Australia. And I hear of many cases where families rush a dying cancer patient to the hospital to die. I don't really see what the point. There is nothing the hospital can really do, and the racing to and checking into a hospital is not the way for a patient to spend their last days.

And of course it helps that Shin was just one of those people that it was worth it to get every last moment you can to be with her.

Tony

Shin's Unpublished Posts - Cancer Friend Humor

Here is another unpublished post. I miss her laugh. I think she didn't publish this link because she thought it might offend her friends. But she thought it was very funny.

Tony


Shin's post (29 Oct 2008).....

Here's an article entitled, "Man With Friend With Cancer 'Going Through A Rough Time'", from The Onion, a satirical news Web site.

Memorial - Shin's Last Words

Shin wrote a letter to be read at her memorial service and gave it to Michelle to read. Michelle has already posted the letter in a previous blog post, but below is the link to the video of her reading of Shin's letter.

As always, Shin gets the last word.

http://www.vimeo.com/3220558

Tony