Tired Tears

I went to my gynecologist for a check-up today and she said I might have HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) -- the virus that causes cervical cancer. It could be something else altogether, but we won’t know until the lab tests come back. As she told me about how unlikely my particular potential HPV infection was to lead to cancer, I diligently took notes as a medical student would -- detached and cerebral.

Then the doctor told me to see her again in three months’ time and I opened up my medical calendar to enter the appointment. The calendar was covered with medical tests: bone scans, CT scans, brain MRIs, blood tests, chest X-rays, liver ultrasounds, and on and on. And that’s when I got a bit teary. I just felt tired of cancer. Seeing my life laid bare in front of me with scan after scan after scan was such a stark reminder that I’d never have my life back the way it was.

Sometimes I just miss my pre-cancer life for the very simple things. I walk by bakeries and ice cream shops and wish I could just go in and have a chocolate croissant or an ice cream cone without even thinking about the sugar. I wish I could buy shampoos and lotions and not worry about the parabens and other potentially carcinogenic chemicals in them. I wish I didn’t have to schedule my life around medical appointments. I wish I could have a broken leg instead of cancer. Or anything that could be fixed then forgotten so I could move on and just be done with it.

I haven’t cried a whole lot since all of this happened, but sometimes I DO feel like letting out a plaintive cry, “I want all of this to go away. I want to go back to the way things were.” Fortunately, this feeling doesn’t last long and I move on, but I can see how some people can really wallow in their sorrow. It’s just easier.