Feeling Special

I was talking to a friend today about where to send our kids to school. I said I’d like to go back to teaching and get a job in a school I want my kids to attend when they’re in high school. As soon as those words left my mouth, I found myself thinking, “That assumes I’ll be alive when the kids are in high school. Wow, what a dream that would be.”

This is how living with cancer is different from living in the real world. I know that we’ll all die someday, but I doubt any of my non-cancer friends think about their lives five, ten years from now and think they’re stretching it to believe they’ll still be alive.

I go about my daily life like a normal person, and then there are fleeting moments like this one that nudge me back to Cancer World. I don’t necessarily get sad about it or dwell on it, but I’m just reminded that I live in a different world from everyone else I know.

Being different can be special or it can be lonely. I feel special because I have cancer. I think I have a perspective on things that only comes with having life curtailed. I also feel lonely at times because facing death isn’t something you can share with anyone, not even other cancer patients. It has to be done alone.

But I have to say I don’t feel the loneliness very much at all. Mostly, I feel pretty special. I sometimes want to wear a T-shirt that says, “Be extra nice to me. I have cancer.” But I suppose that wouldn’t be fair to people who don’t have cancer.