Back Home and Bald

I cut short my trip to Lanta Island and came home three days ago. I missed the kids more than I expected I would, which I blame partly on the fact that this island was crawling with families with young kids. And I thought about my kids every minute I was there because I was writing to them in their journals almost every waking minute. So, thinking about my kids, surrounded by other people's kids... not a good combo.

During my last night on the island, my hair started falling out in the shower. I knew it would fall out with this new chemo I'm getting, but I was still a bit startled by it. There I was standing in the shower, holding huge clumps of my hair in my hands and watching piles of it land on the floor. I decided I wanted to be back home with my family and got on a flight the very next day. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, but I didn't want to have cancer by myself in a hotel room far away from home.

I hadn't expected to find enlightenment of any sort on this solo trip, but while walking on the beach at sunset and looking out to sea, I felt like I should at least TRY to think big, deep thoughts. The best I could do was ponder the looming threat of death and why I'm so strangely calm about it. If I were religious, people would probably attribute my courage and calm to my faith. But since I don't have religion, I can only attribute my attitude toward cancer and death to my faith in myself and the people around me. That works pretty well for me.

Chemo update: I went in for my weekly chemo today but my blood counts were too low, so I was given a G-CSF shot to boost my white blood cell count and sent home. I'll go back tomorrow to try again. I've also started on a new antibiotic for my chest infection because my cough isn't getting any better. So, I'm in holding pattern until tomorrow.