Children and Loss - An open talk with children

Two nights before Shin passed away I sat down with Josie and Toby along with Michelle's family and Alicia's family (they both have two daughters aged between 6 to 8). We talked about how the doctor's thought Shin only had a day or two left and we talked about saying goodbye.

It was a difficult conversation from many angels. Some of the things I was aware of was the fact that I had been talking to Josie and Toby, but I always did it when we were on our own. I was worried that it was feeling like a secret topic. I didn't want Josie and Toby to feel alone with their loss. From Alicia's and Michelle's perspective they each had to deal with explaining death to their kids. We agreed we would all sit down together to talk about it.

I told all six kids that we had increased the medication to a level where Shin was mostly sleeping all the time now. She was comfortable and peaceful but mostly sleeping. I explained that it is not the same as when we go to bed at night and go to sleep. Shin's sleep was a result of the medication (Shin had warned to make sure the kids don't associate sleeping and death and thus create a phobia about sleeping). I said that it was time to say goodbye to Shin. I was also mindful that I had not cried in front of the kids and I had not seen them cry. I knew this would be a difficult talk to get through without crying, but I did not resist it that much. Josie asked if I was crying happy tears, and I said no, they were sad tears becuase I would miss Shin. She did not cry herself but she gave me hugs.

I told the kids that they could go and see Shin sleeping if they want to say goodbye to her directly or they can say their goodbyes in quietly on their own if they wanted. This is a fairly delicate issue from Shin's perspective. She didn't want a lot of deathbed visitors, and just didn't want people's last thought of her to be frail and dying - especially the kids. But I was convinced that she looked peaceful and that it was important to say goodbye. So I took Josie and Toby and they hugged and kissed Shin and said goodbye and they loved her.

Alicia's kids started the idea of of writing love/farewell cards to Shin. Michelle's kids were writing cards as well and Josie and Toby joined in. Then the kids went in to put their cards on Shin's bed and they all said goodbye to Shin.

This was also Alicia's birthday. So after we had gone through the heavy emotion of saying goodbye, we all gathered around and sang happy birthday to Alicia and had some champagne.

I was quite uncertain about how to handle all of this and whether this was a good approach or not. While there are lots of guide books about "what to expect when your expecting" the books are much fewer about what to do in these situations. But after it all, Michelle, Alicia, Dennis, Brendan and I all felt that this was a really good and therapeutic thing we had done. I was comforted that Josie and Toby knew it was ok to cry, and that they don't have to be alone with it. Their best friends knew just as much as they did and it was all out in the open. I think Michelle and Alicia also felt it was an important lesson for their kids. And it was nice they we had the opportunity to show that despite feeling sad we can move on and celebrate and have some cake for Alicia.