Children and Loss

I've found that a lot of the advice from books on how to help children deal with loss is very age specific. Shin's blog has been about sharing, and thus I did want to share what our approach has been in helping the children, but ultimately I imagine any insights are only helpful to other families who happen to have similarly aged children as Josie (almost 6), and Toby (3).

After reading various books I think some of the key things we took to heart were 1) children hold a surprisingly strong grudge over "white lies" told to them, 2) its not their fault, its not their fault, its not their fault - its surprising how kids can take blame on themselves, 3) at young ages, its really all about them - who will take care of them, how will things change ...etc, 4) they won't really know how to feel and act and will take their cues from us.

Other things which we tried to prepare for were 1) overcoming being alone with the loss, 2) avoiding being picked on for being different, 3) answering other questions - are they orphans?, what happens if something happens to me?, will i re-marry?, what happens to the body? ...4) discipline has to be kept up as kids are likely to feel more insecure if patterns are changed.

So from the beginning, we been pretty straight with the kids about Shin's cancer. When Josie was only 2, Shin explained she had cancer, what it was, that it was not something you can "catch", that there are treatments that can make her better but that it may make her hair fall out and may make her tired and feel sick, and importantly that she could die. As it turned out Shin had surprisingly few side effects to the chemo, but she did loose her hair. Shin didn't like the feel of a wig and Shin was always the "accept (or not) me as I am" type of person. We noticed that hair issue seemed fairly big for Josie who was then about 3. Other kids in Josie's kindergarden class would stop and stare at Shin. Shin would simply explain that she is taking a special type of medicine that makes her hair fall out (needing to emphasize its a very special type of medicine - no other medicine will do that). Shin was outside Josie's class once waiting to pick her up while the kids were working on an art project. Shin heard Josie stand up and announce to the class the her mommy does not have any hair. It was not really a big deal, but it did signal that it was something she was dwelling on and seemed to be worried about others reactions to it.

As Shin's condition got worse with the recurrence and the spread to lungs, liver, and brain, we debated how much to tell the children. We decided that we didn't need to change what we had already been saying. That is that Shin still has cancer, the doctors have not been able to make it go away yet and Shin still needs to take medicine. Its true that at that stage normal life expectancy could be as little as 4-5 months. But we thought even that is too long for the kids to deal with. As it turned out the extra year that Shin had was already half of Toby's life. So we saved conversations that Shin was probably not likely to make it until Shin started to really weaken and we thought she would not have much longer left. As it turned out she had about 3 weeks left when we started giving the kids more information.

We planned on talking to them together, but it turned out hard to find a good time when Shin was able to talk and the kids were calm enough to listen. So instead we agreed I would talk to them when I had a chance. I explained that the doctors do not think they are going to be able to cure Mommy's cancer and that she could die and it could be soon. I explained that I would take care of them, Elisa our helper would be here to help take care of them and that their Grandmother (my mother) would move here more permantly to help take care of them. Josie asked what if something happens to me. I gave them the long list of people who love them and would want to take care of them. Toby asked what if all the grownups die, and I said that wont happen or the kids won't have anybody to boss them around and they could eat chocolate and watch movies all day - which made them quite excited. I said the I've read on the interenet (which to yound kids is the all knowing library), that many children who lose their parent think is their fault. I asked who's fault do they think it is? Josie said it was the cancer's fault. I told her she is very smart, and that we all did everything we could to make Shin better and it was no one's fault.

We talked about when some people die and they are buried and others are cremated. Josie didn't like the sound of cremation and said she didn't want that. We talked about how the body doesn't matter after we die. I said mommy's soul will be in your heart and in heaven. We talked about Star Wars which we had recently scene and talked about how when Ben Kenobe and Yoda died, they still looked after Luke Skywalker. Not being religious, makes things more difficult at this stage. I'd be happy to tell them anything that would make it easier for them, but also aware that I don't want to make my words seem insincere if one day I explain to the kids that I myself am not religious.

Josie said she hoped mommy won't "die soon" (I noticed she used my words). I tried hard to keep my composure and did not cry as I explained this to the kids. I don't think I was cold and unemotional but tried hard to keep strong. As a result neither Toby or Josie cried when I explained this all to them. Partly, they may have already known it, seeing Shin get weaker over time. Also maybe the withdrawal process is not so severe since Shin had been increasingly less able to do things with the kids, and thus they were already used to me doing everything for and with them.

The other thing I did after I spoke to the kids was explain to their schools the situation and what I had explained to the kids and asked them to keep an eye on Josie and Toby and let me know if they were behaving differently. As it turned out they seemed to do just fine. Josie's teacher mentioned that there was a school outing to Chinatown and about 10 of the other kid's mothers came along and that Josie was likely thinking of her mother not being able to come. Josie seemed to cry rather quickly when she got in an argument with a friend, but bounced back quickly and got over it. She sat on the bus next to her teacher and they talked about the movie the "Polar Express".

I continued to try to talk to the kids every day about their mother. I kept trying to make sure they felt secure that they will be well taken care of. Josie got tired of hearing about how they will be taken care of. So we talked about what we would miss most. I'm repeating my Eulogy, but Josie said her love, I said her smile and Toby said all of her. Josie said its ok because she will always find her love in her heart and I could find her smile in my heart. and Toby chimed in that he will find all of her in her heart.

This post is long enough already and I'm emotionally tired going through it again. I still want to update on how we all said goodbye and how we have been doing since, but I'l have to do that in the next post.

Tony