Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What Makes Us Irreplaceable?

This is something I wonder about because when I die, I’ll leave my kids and husband motherless and partnerless. But Tony can marry again and my kids can have a new mother.

I’d like to think nobody else could bring up my kids as well as I could. I’d like to think nobody else could make Tony as happy as I could. Actually, no I don’t. I sincerely hope there is somebody else out there who can do my job as mother and wife even better than I can, after I’m gone.

That might seem sad, but I think we’re kidding ourselves if we think we’re so special that we can’t be replaced. Everyone is replaceable. Maybe not exactly the same as the original, but passable.

But there’s one thing that makes me irreplaceable and therefore makes me sad to leave Tony and the kids behind. Nobody can love them the way I can.

I don’t mean nobody can treat them with more kindness or caring. I don’t mean nobody can make them happier, compliment them more, nag them less, buy them more toys, praise them more. Of course somebody can do all of those things better than I can. What I mean is, nobody can just LOVE them like I do.

I truly believe that no woman can know and appreciate everything about Tony the way I do. I know he’s not perfect, and maybe I do complain about and chide him for his failings a bit too much. But there are certain character traits, mannerisms, habits that most people either don’t notice or don’t appreciate as much as I do. I’m sure there are women out there who would value many aspects of Tony, and many who would even treat him better than I do. But they can’t do as good a job of just loving him for who he is.

And Josie and Toby… nobody could love them as much as I do. Not even Tony. That’s not meant to be disparaging about Tony. That’s the innate arrogance that all parents should have – because we love our kids so much, it’s just not possible for anyone else to love them as much as we do.

I’m not saying another mom couldn’t be more patient, kind, or understanding than me. Far from it, since I’m greatly lacking in the patience department, especially. But when Josie is in the middle of a tantrum, being horrible to her brother, banging on doors and screaming that she hates me… who’s going to love her then like I do? Nobody. Absolutely nobody will come close.

And that’s what makes me irreplaceable. That’s what makes us all irreplaceable to the people we love.


Anonymous said...

Agree with you there about being irreplaceable. You give me more than I give you as a friend and put whats been going in the past two days into perspective. Noone can replace you, although we barely know each other well, you're still the one and only crazy lovely, cancer stricken inspiration of a mom, friend, wife I've ever met.

Today shit hit the fan in my life as A can attest. SMS's, hurtful email exchanges took hold in my life. Something had to give so I took my kid to the zoo. Getting down to basics with the munchkin was just to ticket. "Mommy and me time". For once it was just us. And you know what, it was just exactly as you said. I know her Daddy and her love her. Whatever happens in our life whether we stay together or not, she'll still only have had me as her Mommy. Maybe she doesn't understand it now, as I'm the one who seems to be the one that gives her the stuff - the books, the laptop time, the toys, but not the one she wants to play with - that's her Daddy and Yaya. But hopefully one day she will see me more as one who loved her, not as the stuff provider, the displinarian or the one who says "NO" all the time. It was a hectic, last minute trip to the zoo but it was worth every nutty moment. We had the zookeeper chase us out as we didn't want to leave the new creature we discovered - the "sea cow".

Yea, so theres only one mommy to the kids. Don't worry. There's only one Shin to Toby, Josie and Tony. They'll remember. And if I'm around Auntie T will write them and tell them how cool there mommy is and how she's inspired Auntie T today.

Have a good trip to Sydney.


Anonymous said...

You're the coolest Mum the kids can ever have, and I believe you'll be around for a long time. My sisters keep telling me to look up Jane Tomlinson, who apparently was told she had 1 year to live, but survived for 17, she just died, after running countless marathons, and raised 1.7 million pounds for charity.

No one can replace a mother!! As wives, we are replaceable, but no one can be as special to the person as the one they want. So, you, stop feeling sorry for your husband and your kids now, because they still have you, and they don't want anyone else.

And, and and.... you'll still be around to nag Tony and tell your kids to stop having tantrums!!, and run marathons!!

E xx

Shin said...

Hi,read all the blogs and everyone is so articulate that ialmost did not write...but i cant not write just because i think my grammer and expressions are not up to scratch . I think you are irreplacable Shin,cos there is only one Shin Na.To me you have provided as a fellow breast cancer patient....guidance , emotional and practical support,strength ,inspiration,confidence,whilst maintaining a sense of humour.Of all the people in Singapore ,you have always pulled the stops out for me ,always there to offer advice and to ease the pain of it all really.Cos cancer really is apain in the arse .Above all you have helped me to feel just less frightened of it all .I never have been a great reader ... apart from Cosmopolitan but i have read all the books you have recommended and i love reading your blog every day . It just does make me also feel less alone in my thoughts .. and that i find a huge comfort .So Shin Na you are one off and that is meant as a huge compliement To be unique as you are,always trying to change things , and not just arm chair stuff i mean getting up and doing things to change the system to make a difference .And the things that you ve done have made a big difference in my life. And you know as well as i know you have probably saved my life and i always thank you for that.I have always listened to you Shin ,now you listen to me .. ihad a dream last night that the healer nelson melted the tumours in your chest using his way .And im begging you please with tears in my eyes to go and see him asap. I believe he can help you Shin .No it cant be explained by science today but any scientist will tell you there is an awful lot that science cant explain much more than it can explain.I could get off your case and leave you alone ,but im not going to because i care are a one off Shin Rach

Anonymous said...

i believe you did say once that humans have flaws? including your family right? children will grow older and they will have their own lives and it will go on. what makes you think they will keep thinking about you then?

once i am out of my children's sight, i am out of their minds.
they love it.