Friday, March 23, 2007

To Prepare Or Not To Prepare

I haven't written in my Blog for a while. Now that I'm no longer being treated for cancer, there isn't much to update. Of course, there are the usual thoughts that occupy a person after cancer treatment, such as fear of recurrence, but I don't think anybody wants to know about that sort of thing.

Our upstairs neighbor's father was diagnosed with cancer three months ago and appears to be nearing the end. I have two other friends who aren't doing so well. These are constant reminders that one of these days, I could be going to "pain management specialists" instead of doctors because nothing more can be done for me. I try not to think about that and mostly, I don't.

But I suppose I need to be realistic and prepare for that at some point -- get the kids' scrapbooks updated, write to them in their journals, make a video of me talking to them, etc. I keep thinking about doing that, but I'm so busy with mundane things like paying bills and organizing play dates.

I can see why some people want to know how much time they have left so they can plan accordingly. But if I were to start taping messages to my kids, my friends and family would say I was being pessimistic and criticize me for having a negative attitude. On the other hand, if I keep carrying on like I have a normal life span ahead of me and I have a recurrence and go quickly downhill, I’ll panic about getting things ready for the kids and most likely not have the energy to do much.

So, is it better to know and plan for your death or live in blissful ignorance and just be knocked out of the game without warning?