Friday, December 7, 2007

Deja Vu

Exactly two years ago today, I found out I had cancer and that very same night, I went to my daughter’s school Christmas concert. I was filming the concert so that I could make a DVD to give out to all the other families.

I remember being focused on getting good shots of the kids on stage and making sure the angle was right. I remember trying to push the idea of cancer out of my mind and concentrate instead on all the cute children in their costumes. I remember at one point, amid all the hustle and bustle and din of excited kids, I felt like the scene around me was something I had to say good-bye to soon, so I was savoring it and felt like crying about it at the same time.

It just so happens that this year’s Christmas concert also fell on December 7. Tonight, it was my son’s Christmas concert instead of my daughter’s. Again, I filmed it for the school. But on this night, the second anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, I didn’t think about cancer or having to say good-bye.

In some ways, I feel like I’ve come a long way. Scans, chemo, surgery, radiation, more scans, more chemo, more surgery. And I’ve gained a great deal of knowledge about cancer and nutrition.

In some ways, I feel like I haven’t moved at all. I have cancer again. So that hasn’t changed. I still haven’t done all the things I wanted to do. I feel like I haven’t done enough with the two years I’ve just had, and my time’s running out.

And just this week, someone else died of breast cancer. She was fit, active, working full-time up until two weeks before she died. It all happened so fast that her family hardly had time to process what happened.

It makes me wonder if I should be doing more to prepare my family and friends. Are they ready to see me go in two weeks’ time? What about me? Would I be ready to go in two weeks’ time if it came to that?

In a way, dying of cancer has its advantages over dying suddenly of a heart attack or car accident. I have time to get ready and say my good-byes.

On the other hand, having that time can be agonizing. Sometimes, I just don’t know how to spend the time.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

After a day's work, finished dinner, talked to children, bid family goodnight, are we supposed to be doing some more things?

If we do, then it's time well spent and not wasting time?

And for a cancer patient like you, should you save up sleeping time to do other things when you need it most although you may be unable to sleep due to some medication?