Friday, November 16, 2007

Feeling Special

I was talking to a friend today about where to send our kids to school. I said I’d like to go back to teaching and get a job in a school I want my kids to attend when they’re in high school. As soon as those words left my mouth, I found myself thinking, “That assumes I’ll be alive when the kids are in high school. Wow, what a dream that would be.”

This is how living with cancer is different from living in the real world. I know that we’ll all die someday, but I doubt any of my non-cancer friends think about their lives five, ten years from now and think they’re stretching it to believe they’ll still be alive.

I go about my daily life like a normal person, and then there are fleeting moments like this one that nudge me back to Cancer World. I don’t necessarily get sad about it or dwell on it, but I’m just reminded that I live in a different world from everyone else I know.

Being different can be special or it can be lonely. I feel special because I have cancer. I think I have a perspective on things that only comes with having life curtailed. I also feel lonely at times because facing death isn’t something you can share with anyone, not even other cancer patients. It has to be done alone.

But I have to say I don’t feel the loneliness very much at all. Mostly, I feel pretty special. I sometimes want to wear a T-shirt that says, “Be extra nice to me. I have cancer.” But I suppose that wouldn’t be fair to people who don’t have cancer.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Shin, We all have different challenges to face, and we all are fighting some kind of battle in our lives. I believe it's important to share our hopes and fears with someone who is willing to listen. So, if you want to talk about facing death, I am all yours. Guess what's my dearm after my breast cancer? I want to be a grandma! Alex and I tallk about how we will be the BEST grandparents in the world all the time. Big and beautiful dream! Wendy

Shin said...

Grandma! Yikes! I never wanted to be a grandmother BEFORE cancer, but now I guess it wouldn't be so bad. If I just marry Josie off as soon as she hits puberty and tell her to get knocked up straight away, I might have a chance at the grandma thing.