Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Back Home and Bald

I cut short my trip to Lanta Island and came home three days ago. I missed the kids more than I expected I would, which I blame partly on the fact that this island was crawling with families with young kids. And I thought about my kids every minute I was there because I was writing to them in their journals almost every waking minute. So, thinking about my kids, surrounded by other people's kids... not a good combo.

During my last night on the island, my hair started falling out in the shower. I knew it would fall out with this new chemo I'm getting, but I was still a bit startled by it. There I was standing in the shower, holding huge clumps of my hair in my hands and watching piles of it land on the floor. I decided I wanted to be back home with my family and got on a flight the very next day. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, but I didn't want to have cancer by myself in a hotel room far away from home.

I hadn't expected to find enlightenment of any sort on this solo trip, but while walking on the beach at sunset and looking out to sea, I felt like I should at least TRY to think big, deep thoughts. The best I could do was ponder the looming threat of death and why I'm so strangely calm about it. If I were religious, people would probably attribute my courage and calm to my faith. But since I don't have religion, I can only attribute my attitude toward cancer and death to my faith in myself and the people around me. That works pretty well for me.

Chemo update: I went in for my weekly chemo today but my blood counts were too low, so I was given a G-CSF shot to boost my white blood cell count and sent home. I'll go back tomorrow to try again. I've also started on a new antibiotic for my chest infection because my cough isn't getting any better. So, I'm in holding pattern until tomorrow.


jackie torda said...

hey shin!!
just stoppting by to say hey :) in my public speaking class each person had to give a 5min speech on their favorite city and one person in my class talked about Singapore! The whole time he was talking about it I kept thinking about you, anthony, josie and toby!! Hope all of you are doing well. I really really hope me and my family can make it over to Singapore this summer because my friends speech made the city look like so much fun (and really clean)!!
ok well i'm off to class...
have a great day
love, jackie torda

amytg said...

Dear Shin- I agree that you are strangely calm. I am not. I am angry and sad and as Sofia says sometimes, my heart is clogged. I guess you feel alone, but please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers daily. I send to you my best hopes from Christian, Laura and Sofia's mom