Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Toby or Not Toby

Sorry. Couldn't resist the pun.

A smart guy I know has pointed out to me that some day, my kids will read my blog to see what I said about them. He did a search and found I mentioned Josie twice as often as I mentioned Toby.

I've thought about this as well. Part of the reason is that Josie is older and more verbal, so we have more discussions that I can talk about in my blog. Another is the usual second child syndrome - by the time kid number two comes along, the novelty of having kids has worn off and you don't act like every new thing the kid does is the first of its kind, since you know now for a fact that it's not.

I may not have as much to mention about Toby in my blog for these reasons, but he occupies a lot of my mind and heart space, especially since he's at a very adorable age right now.

Lately, I've tried imagining what Toby might be like as a teenager or a young adult. Try as I might, I just can't picture his creamy soft skin covered with pimples. Nor can I imagine him hanging out with the boys, drinking beer, and acting stupid. Not my Toby.

Toby likes to wiggle into my lap and plant little kisses on my face. He wants me to lie down with him when he goes to bed and wraps his arm around my neck so we can lie face-to-face and give each other tiny kisses as he falls asleep. How can this little boy ever become an obnoxious teenager or loud-mouthed young man?

I watch his coy smile, the funny way he runs, his hysterical laughter, his monologues, and I think about how much I'll miss all this when he grows out of this stage. I'm going to miss his little boy voice and laugh.

And, of course, I wonder if he'll remember me after I'm gone. If I die this year, chances are he won't remember me at all. Most people say their first memories are from age five or so. Toby will be three this month. That's probably too young to retain any memories. Hence, the journals and videos I'm making for him and Josie. But it would be nice if Toby could have some memories of me all to himself - little things he could remember about me on his own.

When I think of my kids growing up without me, I don't worry as much about Toby as I do about his older sister. I think he has a great role model in Tony and if he's anything like his Dad, he'll be the kind of guy every mother would want their daughter to marry.

By the way, it never occurred to Tony and me when naming Toby, that their names were similar enough to cause confusion. We should refer to them as Big To and Little To. I hope they have much more than their names in common.


Anonymous said...

You are not the only one. I think every mom in this universe is guilty of that one! HJ

Anonymous said...

My eldest son, who is 21 this year, can still remember as early as 2 years old. Good times and bad - hazy alittle but nonetheless, bits do come back when the memory is jolted - also we spent that whole year in Oxford - and he had 101% attention from me - we had to go out of the house every evening so that Dad could study.


Leighbee said...

Hey! I too have fairly strong memories from 2 onwards.... I CLEARLY remember my Grandad who died when I was 2.5 years old and when I look at photos, they trigger more indepth memories of what was captured on film.....Having said that, I doubt Frazer really remembers much about his sister Harriet who died when he was 22.5 months old so I guess each passing week strengthens those memories??!!! I do in your case believe that each and every memory will be kept alive by all those around you who adore you, your family and all you stand for.....

Anonymous said...

Hey Shin,
I remember things from when I was 2 or 3 too - someone will say something & I remember, often I don't know how old I am, but recently I discovered one of my memories that I thought was from when I was 5 couldn't have been, it was when I was 3...

An old family friend died on Sat, aged 84, leaving behind my beloved aunts, aged 94 and 96, they are devastated. They can remember way back since they were 3. What a wonderful thing to have, that amount of memories!! (Is there enough storage in our brains, they certainly testify to it being so)

Love, E xx

Anonymous said...

Loved reading this....brought a smile to my face, imagined myself as Toby and reading my mom's blog-gave me a warm feeling.