How Am I Feeling?

I had a blood count yesterday, one week after my first dose of the new chemo regimen. All my counts were good, so it looks like the new chemo's not as damaging to my blood as the last one was. My doctor says it's too early to tell whether it's working or not. I thought the big bump under my collarbone was a bit smaller, but she was still able to see it protruding. The other bumps are still there and the red splotch in the center of my chest is a bit bigger - about 9 millimeters across and raised about one millimeter above the skin's surface.

People keep asking me how I'm feeling. Weak. Weak and tired. A seven-year-old girl beat me at push-ups. She did five; I couldn't even do ONE. I have trouble blowing out a candle. I can't walk up five steps without getting breathless. My neck feels so weak at times, I feel like a newborn baby that can't hold its head up. It takes me over an hour to finish a meal sometimes because I'm just too weak to eat. That sounds just plain silly, but I get physically tired while eating. And if I push it, I start to cough and then I can't talk or breathe, let alone eat.

Last Sunday, some friends took me to my favorite brunch at the Ritz Carlton Hotel. It had all my fantasy foods: fresh Belon oysters, REAL caesar salad, foie gras (very un-P.C.!), grilled lamb chops, a huge selection of cheeses, chocolate mousse, creme brulee, and champagne. I went completely off my diet and had everything except the champagne. But even then, I sat there for three hours and managed no more than a few mouthfuls of each item.

For the last week or so, I've had muscle aches throughout my upper torso, arms, and legs. My doctor says this is because I've lost so much weight, the fat and muscle that normally pad the vertebrae have thinned out, and that, coupled with the natural wearing out of the discs, is putting added pressure against the nerves along my spine.

That's the physical part. The other bits? I feel surprised, annoyed, a little alarmed. I'm surprised that eating can be so hard. I'm annoyed that I can't just make my body do the things it used to. I'm alarmed that I might die like an elephant. Elephants have no natural predator because of their sheer size and their thick skin, which even a lion's claws and teeth can't penetrate. So unless they're killed by man, they die of starvation because the muscles in their trunks slowly waste away and they can't bring food or water to their mouths.

Sitting in front of a TV and snacking on fatty foods all day might be some people's idea of a good time, but for me, it's a punishment. I'd give anything to be able to go for a run right now. I have too many things to do and not enough time, so I can't just sit and rest. And I don't want to eat sugary dairy and animal protein foods because they'll only help my cancer cells thrive. But I've got to fatten myself up or there won't be much of me left for the cancer cells to get to.

It had never even occurred to me that starving to death could be a side effect of cancer. This disease is just full of surprises.