Monday, May 12, 2008

Mind Game

I think I might be cured. Okay, I know I'm not, but I'm feeling so good these days, I have to wonder what's going on. My breathing is fine, my coughing is at a minimum, and my chest pains are completely tolerable, thanks to all the codeine I'm taking. The lumps on my chest and neck have shrunk so much, I have to work really hard to feel them at all.

On Saturday, I went cycling in the park with Tony and the kids in the morning. And in the afternoon, we went to the driving range and I hit some golf balls. I didn't do well so with the driver, but I was okay with the six iron.

Brief interruption for a joke: If you ever get caught on a golf course during a lightning storm, hold up your one iron, because even God can't hit a one iron.

Back to the blog... Cycling? Hitting golf balls? Just last month, I had aches in my neck and shoulders from the effort of holding my head up. I couldn't walk across the room without losing my breath. I couldn't lift myself out of bed without wincing in pain. I couldn't even blow my nose because I didn't have the strength to exhale that much breath out of my nose.

How did I go from that... to this?

At that time, I thought, "This could be the beginning of the end." I thought about whether I should die at home or in a hospital. I thought about whether I'd written to my kids about everything I'd wanted to. I thought about whether I should buy more of my face cleanser that's running out and decided I didn't need to, since I might not be alive to use it.

Lately, I've been feeling so good, I haven't been thinking about hospices, I haven't been writing to the kids, and I've decided to buy more face cleanser.

This is how cancer can play tricks on the mind. You feel great physically, so you don't think about cancer. You might even start making plans for the future. Then you have a bad week or two and you think about wills and euthanasia. From planning family holidays to planning funerals.

All the while, those cancer cells are doing their own thing. They don't know or care about your plans. They'll keep multiplying, get hit by chemo and slow down, then recoup and resume, and so on.

I know this normal me probably won't last. I know that cancer cells become resistant to drugs and that they're more likely to develop resistance with each new drug introduced to the body. I know I could be lured into a false sense of security and then be dead in a few weeks. It's happened to a few people I know.

But it really is hard to take dying seriously when I'm feeling so good.


Alka said...

Hey Shin: its so good to read that you are feeling strong again. Hope you have great days everyday.I'm still hoping we can meet one of these days.
luv, alka

Annie said...

Shin, it's so nice to hear you're feeling well. I've been reading your blog very often. I'd love to go to the movie with you and your friends on the 25th. I'll keep an eye out for the arrangements or just email you closer to the date. Take care. Annie, Olivia's mom.

leighbee said...

Well............who death..........are funny ANY of us really understand? Sure know I don' Mum had ohone call after phone call summoning her to the hospital for her Dads "final moments"..........he lived a further 12 years!!!!! Grahams Nan was much the same - huge tumours behind her heart - not expected to last the night............can't begin to tell you how many weeks we hoped. prayed, visited, held her hand, phoned the relatives etc etc etc etc before a VERY peaceful passing ........... then there was Harriet - 15 months and 5 days........picture of health???? ..... gone in seconds........I guess none of us know....... thats why we should ALWAYS make every minute count....theres a boring old saying but now more than ever I feel it to be true .............. "lifes too short..........." The life I saw in YOU this weekend was worth millions of dollars...........a billion smiley memories and infinite belief so go with it........ who says there aren't miracles???? You were and ARE MY miracle...........Love you x

Lois Ann said...

My spirits soared like the sun shining after a day of lots of rain. You wrote...enjoy each moment no matter what and I'd like to add to be consciously aware of the joy you are having. I pray for you to have this and the peace of the day. Your journal is a REAL life accounting. I look forward to reading it.

Anonymous said...

Your golf was great, but stay off the tuna and cheese pizza's ;-)

Shin said...


I'd love to see you too! I'm going to the Shear Inspiration party this Saturday at 7 p.m. Can you meet me there?

Shin said...


I'd love it if you could join me to see "Homeless FC" on the 25th.

It's at 7:00 p.m. Maybe we could go out for an early dinner before or a late dinner after the movie?

Anyone else out there in blog-land who wants to join us, you're welcome to come along!

Annie said...

Sounds like a date! I'll ask a few moms in the K2 Chatsworth class if you're Ok with that as they'd really like to say 'hi' to you. Let me know the details close to the day. Take care 'cool chick'!