How to React

Question from a blog reader: "How should people react when they find out that a friend has cancer?"

I don't think there's any standard one-size-fits-all response because every cancer patient is different. I've had all sorts of reactions: Bursting into tears, stunned silence, even a game of Twenty Questions (How did you find out? Is it in the early stages? Can it be treated? Is there a history of cancer in your family?)

The most common reaction seems to be, "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" I think every cancer patient would appreciate these thoughts. If you don't know what to say beyond that, just be there to listen. Tell them, "I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing."

If you think you've said the wrong thing, don't beat yourself up about it. I've had cancer for over two years now and even I didn't know what to say when my friend told me that her daughter had just been diagnosed. I choked up, teared up, and mumbled useless things.

I think just letting the person know you care and that you'd like to help in some way is enough.

That said, here are some things you should try to avoid when talking to a cancer patient:

1) Don't tell them stories about people you know who've had cancer and died.
2) Don't tell them about miracle cures and say they must try them.
3) Don't tell them God will heal them. God didn't promise he's going to heal anyone.
4) Don't accuse them of giving up if they don't try whatever crazy concoctions or exotic alternative therapies you've discovered on the Internet.

Keep in mind that cancer patients go through phases. When I was first diagnosed, I was ticked off by people referring to chemotherapy as "toxic poison". I didn't want to hear that the drugs they were putting into my body were toxic and poisonous. But now I realize I was being overly sensitive. Chemo is toxic. It is poisonous. But I wouldn't say that to a newly diagnosed cancer patient. It sounds too scary.

If someone had asked me how long I had to live just after I was diagnosed, I might have been offended. Now, I have no problem with that question. But I think I'm an exception. Most cancer patients would find that question offensive, no matter when you asked them.

Some people just don't want to talk about their cancer. Some want to talk about it all the time. Take your cue from them. If you're not sure, ask them, "Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather talk about something else?"

Imagine yourself as a cancer patient. What would you want people to say and do? That's usually a good guide in any situation.